The Broms Story

March 2008 was the month I entered the Heroic Garden Festival. I had been thinking about it and friends provided some encouragement. With a lot of trepidation I sent off an e-mail.

    Under the surface was a woman who thought her garden wasn’t good enough and not very traditional (have you ever met a garden purist?).

    So the boys came to view, two keen gardeners in their fifth year. I was nervous as hell. There was only one other lesbian garden out of more than 20; where are all the lesbians? I thought we would have heaps, it was something we are good at!

    I ask, heart pounding, “what do you think?”

    “Yes, you’re in”, they go. “Oh cool, and what’s your opinion of my garden” (which is what I really wanted to know).

    He goes “It’s quirky”. What the hell does that mean? Have my friends been telling me fibs about my garden?

    Now the pressure of acceptance. I look around and everywhere there are weeds. The mosiacs I created suddenly don’t look that good. My cousin’s comments about my early pieces come back to me: “Oh cuz, they are very child-like”.

    Hell, I’m not an artist, it’s just a hobby and typically I hadn’t asked or read any books on how to do it. “Yea, yea cuz,” says my cousin, “that comment was three years ago, just winding you up!” She actually loves my pukeko piece.

    Anyway, back to the garden; mosaic pieces falling off, lines are not straight, and the fence needs to be painted.  And old mothers need to be removed and pups taken off (that’s official bromeliad language); a big job when you have about 1,500 – 1,800 plants.

    How long do I have, you ask, to get the garden in order - only five months! And it’s not just the garden, I need to water-blast the whare, the pavements...the list goes on.

    Well, didn’t take long before it was January 09. Still had doubts that my garden was good enough, the fence still wasn’t done, weeds everywhere! And I need a roster for two days. Do I have that many friends?

    They all say “just put me down wherever”which isn’t very helpful. “Oh mate, put you down for Saturday, 10am to noon”. “Oh can’t do that.”

    Eventually, the roster was in place, called on lesbians, my work colleagues and my hetero mates and their whanau. One friend, her partner, her mother, her brother and his girlfriend and her cuz.                      Now some facts. I have about 1,500 or so bromeliads, and no, they are not native to Aotearoa. They predominately come from tropical or sub-tropical climates.

    There are many genera and within some there are over 5,000 varieties (Neoregilia to name one). In case you are not noticing, I’m obsessed with Broms! I can see a $5 plant or a $500 plant and I just have to have it! To me they are all special! I have only had this obsession only 3.5 years.

    I joined the Bromeliad Society of NZ three years ago and I tramp off every month to the meeting in a Mt Eden church hall. At 51 I am one of the youngest. Another thing that blew me away was the number of men in the society, and no, they are not all gay!

    My obsession is so great that I noticed the tea ladies (yes, not one under 70) would always get to the sales table before anyone else and get the best ones. So I thought, hmm, how do I get to be a tea lady. Unfortunately, from the first month I started they stopped calling the tea ladies up to the brom table first - damn!

    We hear lesbians treat our cats or dogs like our kids. Well, guess what? my broms are my babies. I shift the babies around a lot. Light intensities change with the seasons, and most importantly I like to have themes running - a verisea next to a neo next to aechmea.

    I talk to the kids to stop jealousy between them. “Hi, my baby, you are looking gorgeous”, and “No (to the one next door) you don’t have to be jealous because you are a vereisa and your cuzin is a neo.”

    You’d think my broms would treat mum right. Not always; they have bad days - that’s the only reason I can come up with, for the scratches up and down both arms.

    Colours are another theme- purples, mauves, pink - imagine a garden in those colours? And add to that mix the different type of flower heads, the spots, dots, stripes, all sizes from very big to very small - the combinations are endless.

    I also love James and Morris pots, carved punga and, of course, my mosaics. Some are 800 x 1200, a couple are double-sided panels hanging from my plum tree.

Well, there are five days to go to the big weekend and I’m pretty confidant; not perfect but getting there. I decide I will mow the lawn again on Friday (second time in four days). I’ve water blasted most of the house and the cobbled area as well, those weeds between the cracks are no longer there.

    It’s Wednesday and the weather man says a storm is coming Thursday and its already started to rain! So guess who is outside at 5.30pm mowing the lawn in the rain and gale force winds? Never mind, the neighbours already know I’m mad!

    (It may have something to do with that winter night when they thought Michelle was outside with the hose in the rain and hail. No, Gladys, I was blasting the centres of the broms to get rid of the hail in the cups.)

    Anyway, it’s now Friday and it’s still blowing a storm. No it won’t be cancelled. “Oh great, stand in the rain all weekend. I think of my volunteers, who won’t want to stand in the rain for two hours.

    Well, here I am waiting for that great influx of lesbians and gay boys..and what a disappointment. I had 200 people go through my garden and only four lesbians and three gay men!

    So lesbians, please come and support us lesbian gardeners on March 6 and 7. To tempt you I will give a free bromeliad to every lesbian who drops in to 30a Akehurst Ave, New Lynn. If you don’t want to pay $30 for the weekend, you can pay $5 at individual gardens.

    For those who love bromeliads, I will have a number of broms for sale including rare and hard to get varieties. See ya there!

 

Naku noa,

Michelle